i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
