I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just high enough for therapy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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