everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
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