So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
