My sheets look like a crime scene.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize