he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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