Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
