she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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