btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
