Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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