What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you inspire me to be a worse person
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
