That's intense
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
