Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
