Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
