A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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