I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
