i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
