She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
