Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize