I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
