Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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