i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize