why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
