you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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