Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
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