our cab driver is having phone sex.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
