1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
