The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
