God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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