The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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