I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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