I could have mohawked her pubes.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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