My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
