You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
