Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
