I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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