just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
