Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
