When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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