I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
