He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
