when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize