I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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