You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
