Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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