Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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