dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
