Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When are your genitals available?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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