dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
