I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
