Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
