so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
