I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
