There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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