Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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