Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize