she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
