Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
