and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he fucked my hip out of place.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
