so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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