I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize