I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
