You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Randomize
