There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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