life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
