did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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