I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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