my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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